My Father's 2nd Death Anniversary

... snaps above are of us visited his grave last April 2013 in Calinan Memorial, Davao. As promised that I'm going to visit him once I go to the Philippines. I hope he was happy when I brought two of my siblings and my girls to his grave. You see, I didn't break my promise even if he is dead, I still want to be in touched with him.

My father just went without saying a thing or showing a sign to me two years ago. While we celebrated our 7th year anniversary, it was also the darkest day of my life for he passed away. Today, as we celebrate our 9 years wedding anniversary, I am also remembering my father. He is dearly missed by me and the rest of the family, memories cherished, photos are kept for remembrance.

I wish I could light a candle for him at the cemetery but that is just impossible to do here in the United States. I will just say a little prayer for him though, that wherever he is, he is resting in peace with the Lord and that he is watching over us on earth. 'Pa, I may have not said this to you when you were still with us, but I hope you knew that I loved you... Gosh, throat hurts and starting to cry... I just missed him terribly on this day!

My Father What Do I Do?

My father appeared in my dreams for 3 consecutive nights. He appeared to die many times and that is just  so weird and torturing me so bad. Imagine seeing your father's death keep repeating numerous times, wouldn't it hurt you? I don't know what message he wants to send me but all I know is that I missed hearing his voice  hohoho....

I know what I want to do is visit his grave in Davao once I make it to the Philippines next year and that is a promise I don't want to break. The last time I was there was in his funeral leaving the cemetery with just piles of dirt with him under the ground. It would be emotional for me once I get to see his tomb and oh it is going to be painful too.

And yes, I still haven't recovered of my father's death. It has been almost 14 months since his passing yet it feels like the wound is still fresh...

It Hurts The More I Listen To It

So as I was saying in my two posts below that I have this recorded audio of my phone conversation with my father, while it is great to have it but at the same time it hurts me more listening to it over and over again knowing that I could only listen to the same words and his voice now.

The realization strikes me after this one minute conversation I had with him that no matter what I do, no matter how I try to convince myself that my father is not dead, that somehow contradicted to the reality.

My father is already gone!!! Whenever I talk with somebody who also experienced losing a loved one, it always brings tears to my eyes and pain is always there, it seemed never go away!

I Feel He Is So Alive

Two night ago my little one played with my cellphone and she accidentally pushed a button that opened a recorded audio that I didn't know exist in my phone. I listened to it and found out that it was a phone conversation of me and my father I made a long time ago.

It was so nice to hear my father's voice once again. I feel he is so alive and just couldn't believe I now actually have a great remembrance of how he sounded like when he was still alive.

I missed my father everyday of my life! If only I could turn back the time... I know he is happy where he is now and is watching over us. 'Pa, wherever you are, please know that we are here missing you so much!

A Girl Without A Father

This is my little sister sitting on our father's lap taken last 2010. Alex has always been a Papa's girl. I can only imagine the hardship she went through when our father passed away last October 16,2011. She will grow up without a father and that is a sad fact. I feel for her.

I grew up with a father, although we were not closed when I was younger but I sure appreciated all the sacrifices and hard work he had done for his family. It deeply saddened me when he went with the Lord without even saying goodbye to me. 'Pa, I missed you so very very much now, padamgo pud oi! Mingaw naku nimo gud!

He's Happy Now I Bet

Whenever I miss my father he never fails to appear in my dreams. Not a single day that passes by I don't think about the happy times me and my father shared when he was still alive.

In my mind I would utter the words, 'Pa I miss you so much...then in the midst of my sleep at night he'd appear. How nice? He connects with me even though he is now in the other world. I dreamed of him last night hugging him, we talked like in normal conversation and he was smiling all along. Thanks so much Iyo for visiting me in my dreams!

 

Papa Wherever You Are, I Missed You!

[caption id="attachment_477" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Elson and Jadyn on Jan.2009"][/caption]

I can't help but shed tears when I saw this picture on Facebook shared by my cousin in Seno's crib group. It's been seven months since his passing but the pain never go away. I still can't believe I no longer have a father whom I can comfortably talk just about anything else.

I have so many things in my mind that I so want to share to someone else, to my father but he is no longer around. He was the only one I could talk to when it comes to confidential things such as ahermm... Pa, I really missed you so much. Please come visit me in my dream tonight and talk to me? Not a single day passing by I am not thinking about you, the good days we shared together and the laughter always seen in your face despite of the pain you were suffering! I wished I have told you that deep in my heart I loved you and will always miss you for the rest of my life.

You left us without a father and grandchildren without a grandfather!

He Would Have Been 54

It was my father's birthday yesterday Philippine time. He would have been 54. Since it is still April 14 here in the United States, it is still his birthday today and I wanna say ( if ever his spirit is reading this)  HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA! I MISSED YOU DEARLY! I hope you are happy where you are and in peace with the Lord now but hey let me tell you this, not a single day that passes by I am not thinking about you. I regret for not telling you I LOVE YOU when you were still with us!

This is my father's first birthday without him and I guess his coming birthdays will only get bitter as we celebrate it for he is no longer with us and we can never see him anymore unless of course death will come for us! God forbid, hope not now or soon because I still have kids to care for and raise.

[caption id="attachment_451" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="mama and papa during my vacation in PI last 2009"][/caption]

The Life I Have To Live

So this is the life I have to live for the rest of my days here on Earth. Calling back home not having anyone or my father to answer the phone. It sucks and it hurts me so much knowing that I can no longer hear my father's voice, his real genuine laughter and joyous heart no longer exist because he went to the other side of the world.

I just called to the Philippines seconds ago and the phone just kept ringing. Nobody was home, no one knew I called! The heck it sucks! If my father was still alive, guaranteed my call wouldn't be missed for he was always there ready and waiting for my call, anytime! How awful it is to know that I cannot call to our house in Cebu if it is not the weekend because people there aren't home.

Kamingaw ba? Wa naku'u Papa nga maka estorya sa telepono, magkinataw-anay ug mag linibakay sa mga taw nga libakonon kaayo! Paaaaaaaaa namiya man ka ug sayo intawn? Sa kalit ikaw ning panaw way paalam, kasakit pamalandungon maayo pa gani ta nag estorya last Sept.29 and 30,2011 and two weeks later...you were gone!!!! Kasakit sa akong dughan gibyaan lang kog kalit ug amahan hohoho!

The Life I Have To Live

So this is the life I have to live for the rest of my days here on Earth. Calling back home not having anyone or my father to answer the phone. It sucks and it hurts me so much knowing that I can no longer hear my father's voice, his real genuine laughter and joyous heart no longer exist because he went to the other side of the world.

I just called to the Philippines seconds ago and the phone just kept ringing. Nobody was home, no one knew I called! The heck it sucks! If my father was still alive, guaranteed my call wouldn't be missed for he was always there ready and waiting for my call, anytime! How awful it is to know that I cannot call to our house in Cebu if it is not the weekend because people there aren't home.

Kamingaw ba? Wa naku'u Papa nga maka estorya sa telepono, magkinataw-anay ug mag linibakay sa mga taw nga libakonon kaayo! Paaaaaaaaa namiya man ka ug sayo intawn? Sa kalit ikaw ning panaw way paalam, kasakit pamalandungon maayo pa gani ta nag estorya last Sept.29 and 30,2011 and two weeks later...you were gone!!!! Kasakit sa akong dughan gibyaan lang kog kalit ug amahan hohoho!

Nobody!!!!

I am shocked! Very shocked right now! I couldn't help but shiver and shed tears because of this freaking text from somebody who thought we were happy leaving Davao right after my father's funeral. What kind of child/children would be happy after attending his/their father's funeral? Yeah they lost a brother, but WE LOST A FATHER!

I just can't help but sulk of what she texted me noooooooo! She has no idea what I felt. It hurts so bad I lost my father! hmmmmmmmp..

Below are few of the best pics I have of my father. Luckily I took tons of photos of him every time I go visit with family in the Philippines. 'Pa, I hope you know how much I missed you!

....... my most favorite picture of him..I wish I had taken a lot of photos of just me and him when he was still alive..I wish ..I wish..

.......... orchid model...he was the one who asked to  take a picture of him by the orchids...

........ he loved his grandchild, in tough and ordinary times, he was with her all the way!

Nobody!!!!

I am shocked! Very shocked right now! I couldn't help but shiver and shed tears because of this freaking text from somebody who thought we were happy leaving Davao right after my father's funeral. What kind of child/children would be happy after attending his/their father's funeral? Yeah they lost a brother, but WE LOST A FATHER!

I just can't help but sulk of what she texted me noooooooo! She has no idea what I felt. It hurts so bad I lost my father! hmmmmmmmp..

Below are few of the best pics I have of my father. Luckily I took tons of photos of him every time I go visit with family in the Philippines. 'Pa, I hope you know how much I missed you!

....... my most favorite picture of him..I wish I had taken a lot of photos of just me and him when he was still alive..I wish ..I wish..

.......... orchid model...he was the one who asked to  take a picture of him by the orchids...

........ he loved his grandchild, in tough and ordinary times, he was with her all the way!

My Half Sister

For most of you do not know that I have a half sister named Veronica. She is my father's daughter from the past before he met my mother. For 27 years I was curious to see my half sister in picture but things have their own time to happen. I first met her during my last vacation in the Philippines last December 2010. All my life I never really expected to have met her, although I and the rest of my siblings were aware that we do have a half sister yet we never really do something to meet her.

The first photo is of me and Vee. Can you believe how pretty she is and how she got my father's features in the face, nose, eyes, mouth and even the height for she is very tall.

.....the second photo below is of me, our father, Vee and my lil sister and my daughter at my grandma's place in Subasta, Calinan

...... Our second meeting with our sister was during our father's death just two months ago. It is so sad that we gathered like that just because somebody had died and of all the people on Earth, it's our father that we lost. 

My Half Sister

For most of you do not know that I have a half sister named Veronica. She is my father's daughter from the past before he met my mother. For 27 years I was curious to see my half sister in picture but things have their own time to happen. I first met her during my last vacation in the Philippines last December 2010. All my life I never really expected to have met her, although I and the rest of my siblings were aware that we do have a half sister yet we never really do something to meet her.

The first photo is of me and Vee. Can you believe how pretty she is and how she got my father's features in the face, nose, eyes, mouth and even the height for she is very tall.

.....the second photo below is of me, our father, Vee and my lil sister and my daughter at my grandma's place in Subasta, Calinan

...... Our second meeting with our sister was during our father's death just two months ago. It is so sad that we gathered like that just because somebody had died and of all the people on Earth, it's our father that we lost.